From Death to Life

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The day started out as any other typical day, rising before dawn. Insomnia was the worst… but all the quiet time, alone with my thoughts time, gave me the solitude I needed to plan my escape.  I really needed a cup of coffee, but don’t bother with that fearing the noise would wake him.  So I poured myself a glass of OJ and quickly asked myself if 2:00 a.m. is really considered morning or can it still be referred to as night so I could add a bit of vodka.  What the hell, a splash of vodka wouldn’t kill me.  Besides. it really enhanced the taste of the pulpy OJ.

Gazed out the window looking for stars… tried to tell myself that I had only one option and I must execute that option.  All the planning I’d done led me to this day and it was time. That carefree, happy girl had been transformed to this scared, brow-beaten woman by his constant complaining and ridicule.  One of us had to die, and I knew it had to be him.

By nightfall, it was all over. He was dead. My long brunette locks had been chopped off and my short and sassy haircut dyed an ashy blonde. He would have hated that hairstyle and color, and that knowledge gave me great pleasure. Things would change now, for the better.

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Urgent

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I am so tired, but afraid to sleep. I’m trying to wait it out until you wake. Logically I know I should sleep now, but then I’ll be asleep and you awake! The days are getting harder, dragging on. Each day I miss you deeper, love you more. The most important part of my journey has been finding you and that you made me smile again, restoring my hope.

Everything we’ve been through has been meant to teach us to be “here”. To be liberated from the memories – don’t live there. The time is now – here – this is home. Happiness is a “now” thing. Respect the past, but leave it there. Continue on this beautiful journey and be present. Don’t chase after anything. A butterfly will elude those who try to capture it, but freely land on the shoulder of those who are still. Take time to be with yourself and realign your energy.

This my contribution for WP single word prompt:”URGENT”.

Awoken Love

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You’ve awoken something in me that has been dead a very long time. It’s a bit overwhelming, I admit. It makes me afraid to be so vulnerable and trusting. But, you somehow make me abandon my senses and just simply love. I can’t explain this power you have over me, I don’t know if I want an explanation. I just know that I love you.

It’s been a very long time since I’ve allowed myself to use words like “hope”, “love”, and “trust”. Yet with you, they flow freely from my lips; just as the tears flow freely from my eyes, down my cheeks, and soften my hardened heart. And then I close my eyes and imagine the feel of your hands against my exposed skin and I tremble with longing and deep desire that I fear will never be fulfilled. You alone are my love, hold my heart. Please keep it safe. Im trusting you my beloved King.

The world around me is cruel and selfish; cold and heartless… and yet I find you in the center. Warm and welcoming offering hope of a beautiful love… it seems impossible and surreal. I’m sure I’ll awaken soon, finding myself on the cold hard concrete foundation of devastation yet again. Cursing my weakness for allowing myself to feel anything resembling love. Surely, this is not real! A love like this is only in the movies, in fairy tales…, right? Something so perfect cannot exist in such an imperfect world.

Exerpts of love…

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My love for you is deep and everlasting. You have made me want to try harder, given me hope in humanity and were able to make me open my heart and share myself with another, with you. I’ve never loved as I love you, so deeply and completely. If I’m given 100 more chances at life and love, none can compare to the love and joy you have brought to me. You are amazing, my hero, my superman…my one and only love. I love you.

The Night

sky-sunset-night-spaceIn the very early morning, some would say it’s still night. I silently creep outside to sit beneath the stars. Quietly I tiptoe to my blanket laid out on the dewy grass. Careful not to make a noise as the sun is so much more beautiful when it wakes on its own.

Sipping coffee from my favorite mug, eyes fixed on the twinkling stars, as soon they’ll go into hiding. Some mornings I tell them my secrets, sometimes they tell me theirs. But there’s no time for that today – seems the sun is anxious to greet me, the stars fade away quickly, silently. Slowly and steadily the black sky fades to gray. The air is changing, feeling heavy as though the night is sad to leave. I’m filled with mixed emotions too – as I bid the night farewell and welcome the morning.

There’s a reddish glow forming in the distance, fire in the sky. Even the clouds are amazed by the sight and are immobile. The stunning sight has made me forget about the night, the stars and their unique beauty. The sky is filled with light now, the night but a memory.

It’s all so unfair – the night comes quietly – the sun gets all the attention. Even the sunset is all about the sun leaving – never about the moon and stars arriving. I gather my blanket, my empty mug, and my memories. The wait for the night to return begins now.

Ramblings…

Seriously? This is what its come to?

At my age, at this stage in my life – I have to run away from home to get some peace. Here I sit, in a crowded book store, filled with strangers – in this crazy place I must come to be alone. Music piped into my ears – loudly  – to drown out the chaos that resides between my ears.

I try to find comfort in the little things – the sweet taste of this caramel iced coffee, the aroma of freshly cut grass, the intoxicating smell of the earth after the rain. In these moments my soul rests for a time, it quiets the madness and empty chatter for a moment or two. These few moments of peace that I allow to trespass on the sacred ground of my soul bring a moment of joy to the ever-present and often overwhelming depression that others call “life”.

Why is it that for some “life” is so sweet and for others it’s a constant struggle to survive and at times just to breathe? Who determines this shit? No, seriously… No, this is not a “why me” rant – don’t be confused or jump to conclusions. It’s just a question. I’ve been told many times that God will never give me more than I can handle – but on some days I feel like He’s really pushing the limit. And when that limit gets pushed – that’s when I’m forced to find a way through it all. Shovel in hand, medicate and paste a smile on. Because even though people ask – “How are you?” – it’s just a formality – they don’t really want to know, not really. I’ve yet to have someone stop and listen long enough for the answer – to listen and properly respond before they catapult into their own tirade about their adventures or misadventures. How are you? What an incredibly empty group of words. So empty, meaningless. A waste of breathe, and perfectly good letters that could be used in more interesting words or phrases. Well, whatever. This is why I will not allow people to get too close anymore. Most of the time it’s a one-sided escapade ending in frustration and time wasted.

Time better spent alone – in thought, contemplation, or creating art.Truly, no one can be a better friend than yourself. Who can understand yo better, and be brutally honest?

days of despair

The sun rose and forgot to say good morning.
The clouds wept and no one cared.
The flowers blossomed and had no fragrance.
The birds flew away and never said goodbye.
The moon shone but enlightened no one.

These are the days of despair.
These are the moments of solitude.
These are the thoughts buried in the deep recesses of my soul.
These are the thoughts of many, but few are brave enough to speak of.